Energy Crisis

Feb. 8, 2015

The Friend who prompted me to start writing this journal inspired me with a positive way of viewing disappointments: “When something goes wrong in your life, just yell, ‘Plot twist!’ and move on.” Excellent advice for people who have normal energy stores. What I’ve come to learn, though, is that Plot Twists take a lot more energy than I ever realized. No one thinks about how much energy each daily activity takes until the energy tank is on empty.

When I try to explain to people that I’m not up to doing something, that I can’t do anything late in the day, or that I can’t do anything physically or intellectually strenuous, they either think I’m making excuses or they just don't get that I can't do those things.

I think of it like this: I wake up each morning with a small pocketful of coins; most other people I know start out with a wagonload of coins. When you have more coins than you’ll ever use in a day, you don’t realize how much you spend on every little thing like showering, drying your hair, dressing, fixing breakfast and cleaning up your dishes. Every step, every movement, even every thought process costs a coin or two. When the coins are gone, they’re gone. That’s it. The bank is empty until tomorrow. If you don’t sleep well, you wake up with even fewer coins. When you know you have only a few coins to spend, you plan and budget very carefully. You try to minimize steps and economize all your movements; you have a meltdown when you drop or spill something because you know cleaning up the mess will use up precious coins. Pain is very expensive, so you avoid things that cause it at all costs – for me, that's sitting or standing or doing anything for very long, as well as physical exertion, which results in muscle aches.

Aside from other energy-destitute people, few understand why something as routine as fixing a meal is such an ordeal for me. I don’t like food prep and cooking to begin with, so that’s a coin right off the bat. But consider the process, then imagine doing it after having run a marathon:

1. Coming up with a meal idea in the first place - not one dish, a meal
2. Making a shopping list
3. Going shopping, and in my case, sometimes having to hunt for Paleo ingredients – add Candida diet restrictions, and shopping becomes an exhausting proposition
4. Finding a parking space close to the door is a priority, not because I’m lazy, but because I desperately need the energy for the actual shopping
5. Hauling said groceries to the car – even more of a chore if I haven’t nabbed that coveted parking space near the door
6. Driving home – read: navigating traffic and staying alert while operating heavy machinery
7. Hauling said groceries into the house, where they sit on the counter while I drop into a recliner to regroup for a while; then I dig out a few more coins to bribe my brain into doing the puzzle that is moving food in and out of the fridge and pantry
8. Getting out ingredients, pots, bowls, utensils, then measuring and mixing everything – always frustrating because my mind has a hard time sorting and keeping things straight. I have never in my life been able to memorize a recipe or even figure out from experience how to put a dish together.
9. Cleaning up the mess
10. Starting all over again in about three hours (minus the shopping, unless I’ve forgotten an ingredient or two)

Meal prep costs me almost all of my day’s coins, which is why I don’t make lunch, why dinner is the worst part of my day, and why make-and-freeze prep for several meals at a time is a great time-saving solution for those with wagonloads of coins, but for me it simply isn’t possible.

And that’s just meals! Laundry is a coin or two, cleaning a bathroom is about five coins, having to deal with an insurance claim is a good 10 coins, and doing even small household repairs take a few coins; if they start to pile up, just thinking about tackling them can empty the pocket. Even fun things like going to visit a grandchild or a friend use up almost a day’s worth, so you don’t plan anything else for days with costly activities. 

A Plot Twist uses up a lot of coins because you have to figure out how to reroute (brain processing is often more costly than physical movement) and then physically carry out Plan B. Multiple Plot Twists in one day can easily use up all your change and land you in bed, or in a crying heap on the floor. 

It’s hard for energy-rich people to comprehend what it feels like when you run out. The closest comparison to which most people can relate is having the flu – the aching joints, the weakness and inability to move much less get out of bed. But as the term implies, Chronic Fatigue never ends. So you constantly budget your energy with as much miserly care as the financially poor budget their money, reluctant to spend on anything unnecessary. But there is no energy overdraft protection. If you’re in the middle of something when it happens, you have to try to keep going on fumes, but it’s not very pretty, and you can’t do it for long. You suddenly get irritable and irrational because your brain won’t work, you drop things and bump into things because your sense of space is off kilter. You feel like you’re melting into the ground, and “melting” is an apt metaphor, because you’ll be acting like the Wicked Witch of the North; at this point, you are quite literally shutting down. 

If functioning without energy and brainpower isn't maddening enough, you are misunderstood by strangers and friends alike. They think you're a grouch (and you are but you don't want to be), that you're lazy, that you're a hypochondriac. They begin to avoid you because within moments you can swing from feeling OK and being nice to crashing and acting irrational, snippy and even mean. But no one would know you're crashing because you look fine.  Even your friends stop calling because after you decline social invitations several times, they think you can't ever go play, or they decide you're no fun. 

I've been writing this post for several days; ironically, today Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is all over the news with the release of a year-long report. Get this:

The National Institute of Medicine on Tuesday declared chronic fatigue a legitimate disease that plagues "millions of Americans." It was also given the new name of systemic exertion intolerance disease.

I’m so relieved to know that what I’ve described in this post is now legitimate. And that giving it a different name will make it all better. 

But this is a gratitude journal, so I'm grateful if a respected institution is able to convince mainstream doctors to listen to patients who complain of debilitating fatigue and perhaps learn how to help them. I will be even more grateful if the medical community recognizes that drugs don't cure everything and if they open their minds to alternative treatments like diet, supplements and mind-body practices like Tai Chi.

Yin and Yang

Feb. 2, 2015

Last Monday night Husby was sick, so I went to Tai Chi class alone. But I had company once I got there – two women and a man. After six months of progression, to go back to a Square-One class filled me with what I learned tonight is called Yin (to the extreme): disappointment; bitterness and frustration that God would give me such a gift and then yank it away – because if new people join, Sifu has to teach to the lowest common denominator, leaving nothing in-between for Husby and me; and hopelessness – again.

But the Yin only lasted 18 hours before turning to Yang (Yin and Yang discussion to follow!) At class the next day, Husby and I were the only ones to show up, so we got one-on-one time with Sifu, one more time. It was a marvelous class full of the personalized nuances I have come to crave, and so what I needed after the Plot Twist left me fearing Tai Chi would end just as I was on the verge of realizing its healing effects. And at the end of class Sifu told us he’s working with the Rec center to add a Forms class, which is the next progression of Tai Chi study after a person learns the 45 Postures. I am utterly on-my-knees grateful for that. I knew every Monday night that if someone new came, that class would have to go back to the very beginning, and I was grateful every week that it didn’t. I knew the day would inevitably come, but when it did, I wasn’t prepared for the emotions that accompanied the realization that my progress had come to a screeching halt. A simple Plot Twist can change everything in an instant; another Plot Twist can turn everything again just as quickly.

I must insert here that the two women who “tried out” the class last week didn’t return tonight, as I figured they wouldn’t; they clearly were not feeling the Chi. The man has attended Sifu’s classes at other locations, so although he doesn’t know the Postures well, he knows what they are and has done them before. So Sifu did a new Qi Gong with the three of us and took us through the Postures with a focus on Yin and Yang.

I can’t claim to speak with any authority about Yin and Yang after one class, but I do grasp that in simple terms, Yin and Yang are two opposing yet complementary aspects of everything in the universe. Yin examples are dark, negative, night, cold and wet; Yang, then, is light, positive, day, warm and dry. 

The Tai Chi symbol

The constant interchange of Yin and Yang represents balance, as depicted in a diagram called the Tai Chi symbol. We see Yin and Yang in the crests and troughs of ocean waves, in night turning to day and winter to summer. This isn’t a new concept to me; I have been taught in my faith that we can’t appreciate good without evil, health without sickness, joy without grief. While I have appreciated the principle as truth and found some comfort in recognizing the value of trials, I have never seen it as a way of achieving balance.

In Tai Chi practice, we first learned basic postures by trying to imitate the moves Sifu made. After learning the choreography of each move, we began to learn that a Posture is actually a complex sequence of weight shifts – Yin and Yang. If we try to move before the weight has shifted, we lose balance and sometimes topple over. Chinese thought holds that Tai Chi creates balance within our body through Yin and Yang movements. The Postures felt different – and resonated more, if that makes sense – with this new perspective in mind. It’s these intricate layers that make Tai Chi increasingly satisfying – and we’ve only begun to scratch the surface!  

I’m grateful for the first Plot Twist, without which I might not fully appreciate the second one, which is, in essence, God’s assertion that He knows this class is a gift to me and His mercy in not taking it away (while reminding me that He can!) It's like they were an object lesson of Yin and Yang that prefaced the class on Yin and Yang. Both of these Twists also made me appreciate even more that Sifu is a gift from God – he was healed by practicing Tai Chi and teaches with the selfless goal of helping each of his students achieve balance and healing; if that means adding a class so two students can continue to progress and heal, he'll commit some more of his time to do that.

Writing this journal helps me find and appreciate the good, or Yang, sometimes by recognizing that things could be or have been worse, the Yin. I can see God’s hand in leading me first to lunch with a friend who inspired me to look for daily blessings, then quickly to someone who told me about the Tai Chi class; recognizing blessings plays right into the Tai Chi practice of moving Yin and Yang to create balance.

According to Chinese philosophy, anxiety, frustration, anger and fatigue I feel can be balanced by bringing in more Yang. It seems so obvious, right? What’s the quickest way to end a child’s tantrum or sulking? Tickle him! But why do I not instinctively tickle myself? Sifu says it’s the Monkey Mind that so dislikes change that it stubbornly resists.

I am grateful that Tai Chi gives me a daily practice designed to slowly loosen the Monkey Mind’s grip, unblock energy flow and restore balance. And grateful that my classes will continue for a while!

Winter-Blue Skies

Jan 21, 2015

After a week of gray and dreary 30- and 40-degree temperatures, I am grateful for sunshiny temps in the 60s and 70s. I do love cold weather in the winter, especially in Texas where it’s hot and sticky for so much of the year, but gray skies start to weigh me down after too many days in a row. 

Tai Chi is so great for stretching, improving energy and balance, and calming my mind, but I’m in a funk despite doing it every day. It dawned on me that to lift my mood and wake up I need to do more to get the blood flowing, so I am especially grateful for some dry, warmer days, when I could enjoy some outdoor exercise. A walk in January under winter-blue skies, with sunshine that warms the air just enough to be perfectly pleasant (and air that is dry) is a special gift. Blue skies in the winter are just so pretty!

Laughing Really Is The Best Medicine

Monday, November 24, 2014

I love our Monday night Tai Chi class; not only are we the only two in the class and so get more advanced, individualized instruction than in the Tuesday class, but on Monday there are no classes before or after our class, so we can go a few minutes early to stretch, and our class always goes at least 10 minutes over the scheduled time. What I love and am grateful for is what we learn after class officially ends. We usually spend another 20 minutes visiting with Sifu, where he expounds on the nuances that make Tai Chi so fascinating – and how we can refine our practice to utilize it for healing, strength and even self-defense.

I should’ve been writing about our “classes-after-class” all along, but I haven’t, so I’ll start with tonight’s session. I’ve noticed an unbelievably tender spot on my arm in the last week or so, and I asked Sifu about it tonight. He ran his finger down the arm and stopped right at the tender spot. He has explained in the past that tender spots are energy blockages, and this spot is on the liver meridian. As we know, the liver filters all toxins, including the emotional variety. Hmmm, I’m a bit stressed and out of sorts just now, so a liver-related tender spot wouldn’t be surprising. Several Tai Chi pressure points that we do regularly really hurt, which Sifu says is to be expected for someone with fibro. Interesting that a fibro diagnosis is based heavily on the presence of specific tender points – and even more interesting that scientific studies show that Tai Chi is one of the best things for fibromyalgia treatment.

So what to do about this particular tender spot and energy blockage? Rub the hands together until they get warm – the warmth is good, but the purpose of rubbing hands together is to signal the brain to send energy to the palms, a major energy center. Then you rub one hand on the shoulder of the affected arm, then rub the elbow, then rub the arm between the shoulder and elbow. This initiates healing energy flow to break up the blockage. We’ll see how it works.

In the course of tonight's discussion, we learned that the healing properties of Tai Chi come from Qi Gongs, not from postures and forms. The movement of the Forms is interesting to do and to watch, but Forms are designed to build strength and to improve balance and flexibility, not to heal. Sifu said I should be doing Qi Gongs morning and night, and doing Points two or three times a day. He also said it’s important not to hold anger and frustration in, and showed us an exercise called something like “Shaking Body, Laughing Baby” where you bounce from your feet to shake and vibrate the body while making a loud laughing sound. I've known for some time that bouncing activates the lymph system to clear the body of toxins. So I came home and did a little searching about bouncing – sure enough, it’s known to have the physiological effect of releasing stress and tension. But it’s also known that yelling or laughing releases negative energy. According to Tai Chi philosophy, the sky is positive energy, the earth is negative energy, and people are neutral (or should be, unless – or until, it seems – they get out of whack). Sifu says that rather than holding anger and tension in, we should release it by yelling – not at another person, because heaven knows we don’t want to spread negative energy around – but at the earth, because earth can receive negative energy with no harmful effects. He said you can also yell at trees but not embrace them, because people with more experience in energy movement can sap the tree of its energy. I’m not sure what my neighbors will think, but they might find me more neighborly after I’ve done some therapeutic yelling (and shaking) in my back yard!

Oh, one last bonus tonight: a pressure point for insomnia! Laying on your side, lightly touch the Third Eye point (between the eyebrows) with a finger from the pillow-side hand. Visualize energy flowing to the point, and you should fall asleep shortly because it gently redirects the brain from racing thoughts to the point. We did it with Sifu, just for a few seconds, and I’ll be darned if I didn’t feel immediately relaxed. It’s beyond late, so I should go give it a try.

Cake-and-Bagua Walk

Sunday, Nov. 9, 2014

It's the time of year to be grateful, and not just in the sense of November and Thanksgiving: for shirtsleeve-cool, not-humid air, for sunrise late enough to actually see and enjoy (never have been an early-morning person!). This year I'm particularly appreciating the season, as I've been doing my morning Tai Chi on the back deck. At 7:30 or so, the sun isn't yet in my eyes but is a warm orange glow just above the fence line. One morning this week after a rain the night before, steam was rising eerily off the fence as the sun began to warm the air.

Look closely - see the steam?

I breathe in the cold morning air, which burns my nostrils, but beyond the cold, the experience is so much more invigorating outdoors than inside that I relish every day I can do this in the back yard. A few weeks ago it was too warm and muggy, and soon it will be too cold. Fall mornings are a treat worth waiting 10 months for; starting a Fall day with focused Tai Chi is a particular gift.

With daily practice, Tai Chi movements have become somewhat more natural, and thus our classes have advanced beyond choreography to focusing on energy movement. As we do the forms, we envision energy flowing out from hands or feet, and we do feel a difference in the hand and feet positions when we feel that energy. Theoretically, when energy blockages break up and energy flows as it should, healing occurs. At a class last week, Sifu said he was skipping Qigong that night because of the weather. That was a new one - but he quite often surprises us with nuances of the practice. He explained that Qigongs are intended to gather energy from the earth and get it moving in the body in an organized, health-giving way. When a storm is brewing or in progress, atmospheric energy is chaotic and can upset the body's energy if brought in through Qigong. Further, he said that early morning is the very best time to do Qigongs, when the day's energy is new and fresh. 

The next day, he taught us how to do Bagua, or Circle Walking - for those inclement-weather days when walking outside isn't practical. The basic pattern is to visualize a spot on the floor and walk in a circle around it; not as simple as walking in a circle, as it requires the outside foot to actually make an arc that keeps the pattern in a uniform circle. He taught us four hand positions, in each of which both hands are kept in a certain position on the inside of the circle as the feet walk. To begin, Sifu told us to take 20 steps in each direction, in each hand position. We tried it, and it's tougher than it looks - and oh yes, it does make you warm, if not hot!

More Gratitude for the week: I celebrated a birthday with people I love, both in-person and far away. Husby planned a full day, including a visit to the Kimbell art museum to see Impressionistic works on loan from the Musee d'Orsay in Paris, followed by lunch with Daughter and Grandson #1. They brought gifts and a hydrangea for the table; Grandson said he was thrilled I was turning 30. (I think one time this year he asked how old I was and I probably told him 29). Husby gave me a potted calla lily plant with amber flowers I had admired at Central Market last week and other thoughtful gifts. I received cards and calls from dear friends & sisters who remember my little day. Dinner with Husby, and then Son & family came over for paleo carrot cake, I gift I made for myself. 

Paleo carrot cake - wow, 10 eggs!

The cake itself tasted just like my old favorite recipe and had good texture for a flourless cake but was a little wet (Tres Leches carrot cake?). The mock-cream cheese icing (made with palm shortening, ghee, cashew butter for the cheesy flavor, and apple cider vinegar/lemon juice for the tang) was a pretty credible substitute, and I'm a cream-cheese icing lover!

But pretty, right?!? Especially on my mom's milk-glass cake stand.

 

Smile for today: I sat by Son, D-I-L and Grandson #2 in church today. At the end of the meeting, I said to Grandson, "Are you going to nursery now?!" He nodded, pacifier firmly in mouth. I stood up and reached for his hand, which he put in mine and we headed down the aisle. He has never wanted anything to do with me - pulls away if I get too close, certainly won't let me hold him, and only recently gave up screaming fits if left alone with me. So I looked down at him, thinking he must have thought he was holding his daddy's hand. Nope. He knew it was me, and we were walking to nursery together - and he was just fine with it. Finally!

Renewed Hope

Oct. 29, 2014

Back to Fibro doc today after four months. At my previous appointment, he seemed to be throwing up his hands - beyond testing and possible treatment for Lyme Disease and heavy metal testing/chelation, he had little else to offer me. I truly don't believe I have Lyme Disease, and I'm not willing to do antibiotic treatment even if I had Lyme; besides, Doc doesn't know of anyone in the area who treats Lyme anyway, so I see no point in testing. I'm not really on board for heavy metal testing and chelation the way Doc does it, either - I've read too much that says chelating agents don't have a strong enough bond to the metals to hold onto them all the way out of the system. The metals get pulled out of tissue, but when the bond breaks, a lot of metal ends up getting redistributed throughout the body, often in places it wasn't in before. Dentist says it's counterproductive to do chelation before all the mercury is out of my mouth, and since I don't feel good about doing chelation at this point anyway, I believe it's actually been a blessing that I haven't been able to chew without pain on the teeth that have had amalgams removed and/or crowns placed. Dentist says it can take up to a year for those teeth to calm down, which buys me some time before Doc begins pushing the chelation. I'm hoping that Tai Chi, diet and supplements together will improve my immune system enough that after the amalgams are completely gone it can handle any remaining metals without chelation therapy.

Doc began the appointment by asking me to tell him what's going on; he had a list of questions but wanted to hear from me first. I told him about starting Tai Chi in August and that it's been amazing; at the same time I began writing this gratitude journal, and hand-in-hand they have given me a new outlook. I told him why I started writing this - because of the epiphany that Freddie doesn't define me along with a personal need to write again - and related to him the positive effect: looking for blessings every day makes me aware that there really is much more to my life than Fibromyalgia, and that overall my life is very good. Not surprisingly, but still miraculous, I have felt better. He nodded knowingly. He told me at my last appointment, when I felt defeated and showed it, of a patient who just didn't respond to any treatments (one of those 10 percent, of which club I appeared to be a sad new member) and how she reported to him some time after he released her that she turned her life over to God. She accepted her condition and His will, and once she did that, she began to feel better. He urged me to do that, which I had tried many times to do. The gratitude journal - along with the meditative essence of Tai Chi - seemed to be the key to peace for me.

How grateful I am to have been led to a physician who recognizes that any medical intervention is only a complement to spirituality in promoting physical health. At every appointment, he has asked me, "Are you good with God?" or "How are you with God?" I am a spiritual person; my religion is my life. Yet somehow I could never find healing through prayer and faith alone; for whatever reason, I needed a physician to combine medical knowledge with spirituality, and perhaps now just happened to be the time for the two to come together. He told me today that he's not one to tell a patient he can fix this or that or to give false hope (yes, I saw that in my last two appointments!), but that he could tell me today he really believes I will get well. It won't be a revelation, "Hey! I'm healed!" but will be a gradual process. 

So, the technicalities of today's appointment: Doc says for me, the diagnosis "Fibromyalgia" really means mitochondrial dysfunction, as fatigue remains the primary, persistent issue. 

1. First, we need to address sleep, which was pretty good until our vacation approached and my mind raced with preparations. Then on vacation, sleeping in different beds with uncomfortable pillows, coupled with my propensity to overthink details of each day's adventures kept me half-awake every night. If I don't get back into better sleep in the next few weeks, he wants to consider a low-dose pharmacological combination to promote restorative sleep. A body cannot heal without restorative sleep!
2. He has learned even more about glutathione and methylation cycle since our last appointment, and he feels that I can triple my ALA dose to 600 mg twice a day. 
3. He ordered bloodwork to look at DHEA-S, Ferritin, and comprehensive metabolic panel to evaluate how the liver and kidney are functioning. He also wanted a specialized test for glutathione that had to be done in his office, so I did it while there today (three attempts by two nurses to find a vein ... aargh, the reason IV therapies are not a good option for me!) If glutathione is low, he will supplement, hopefully with liposomal cream, nasal spray or other non-intravenous carrier. 
4. Cortisol levels are OK - not great, but no longer at crashing level. I stopped taking cortisol about two months ago and went back on AdrenoChelate; I haven't noticed crashes, but Doc says the formula is weak and recommended Adrenal Stress-End by Integrative Therapeutics instead. 
5. No more Candida therapy! Even though Doc says this, I know too well how sugar and processed foods make me feel, so I will continue with a clean diet.
6. He gave me deep breathing exercises to do, which I did in the past, probably with Fibro Doc #1. Deep, abdominal breathing is inherent in Tai Chi, which I do at least once a day, but Doc's exercises are a good reminder. They're great because they can be done while driving (when I most need relaxation) or standing in line (the second-most common source of nervous stress) or at any time/place. I've actually had people in public places ask me if I'm OK when I start breathing deeply at the onset of stress. I'm sure I look like a head case about to pass out when I do that, but if people only knew how effective a few deep breaths is for centering and calming oneself!

And now it's time for bed, so I'll apply some progesterone cream and lavender oil, do my mind-calming Tai Chi memory exercises, and hope for pleasant dreams. I go to the retina specialist in the morning, though, so my mind will likely be anticipating that all night. For heaven's sake!

Back to Real Life

Oct. 28, 2014

Quick post today because I'm back from vacation, and that means getting back on the fast-moving treadmill. I miss being on vacation, but not living out of a suitcase; I miss the mountains, but I'm grateful to be back at Tai Chi. We were the only ones in class last night and today, so my first classes back were pretty much personal instruction. Nice. Although I did a quick run-through of the basics most mornings while on vacay, I did miss my classes. 

Smile for today: Playing in the park this morning with Grandson #2, in temps a good 15 degrees lower than the high 80s of the previous two days - both things for which to be grateful!

Mirror, Mirror

Oct. 16, 2014

Could it be time to leave the Montana cabin already? 

Sadly, we packed up on this clear, sunny and very crisp morning, took one last look at the view from the deck (Husby & I did our Tai Chi Unification form on the deck for good measure, because when do we have the opportunity to do it in this kind of nature?), and headed toward Yellowstone on our way back to Utah. 

Beaver Lake, a small lake just east of Quake Lake, perfectly mirrors the mountains and pine trees. We've wanted a picture of it since the first day we drove past it, but we never timed a photo op just right. Today, however, the conditions were perfect, and we took pictures that can never adequately depict what our eyes saw; I'm grateful to have seen it. 

 

Get Hip

Oct. 4, 2014

Just when I was feeling quite good, and right in the throes of getting ready to go on an extended vacation, I felt a giant twinge in my hip a couple of days ago when I stretched to one side. My hip went into spasms and gave out on me when I tried to walk or otherwise move my hips. I found out quickly that we use our hips for almost everything - getting up from a seated position, turning over in bed, bending over, walking, balancing, and I found out the hips and back are very much involved in coughing and sneezing!  Every muscle movement made my hip scream, and the more I tried to hold myself up – or move without making it flare – the more all my muscles tensed until my neck and shoulders were stiff and aching, too. It got worse each day, probably because more parts of my body were cramped up in reaction to the hip pain. It was a bit better first thing in the morning, but the longer I was up, especially standing, the tighter and more painful it got. The only thing I can think of that I did differently was adding short jogging intervals to my morning walks this week. Guess this body isn’t putting up with any kind of pounding!

I have so many errands to run, so many things to take care of before we leave, and food to prepare because there’s no telling where or if we’ll be able to find things I can eat on the road – no sugar, no processed food, no dairy, no grains, no almonds, only organic meat, and on and on.  So all this considered, it’s no surprise that the gifts from Heaven I especially appreciated the last few days are these:

• Parking spaces close to the door at every store I went to on my errand-running the first day this happened (when I could still walk and drive, albeit with difficulty). Seriously, when do you find the spot nearest the door at each and every stop??? I always do a victory punch when I find a prime parking space (and am equally put out when I don’t!), but these last few days it was quite literally a Godsend.
• The hip miraculously loosened up this afternoon! The temperature was so cool this morning (delightful cool front last night!) I decided an easy walk around the block might stretch and loosen my hips. As I walked, I breathed in the cool air, a la Tai Chi practice. I imagined breathing energy in and focused the energy in the tight hip. As I breathed out, I imagined pain, tightness, stress and anxiety leaving. This afternoon I was able to do some cleaning-out in the pantry (Lighten Up!), and I was surprised to find myself bending over, lifting and moving cans and boxes with almost no pain. I couldn’t pick up or move anything yesterday or even this morning. I’ve been a believer in Tai Chi since day 1, but just this week Sifu introduced us to doing the moves with a focus on energy. I’ll write a post soon about the new layers of Tai Chi we’re learning about, but today’s experience was a definite Smile – and I’m grateful again to have found Tai Chi, the instructor we have, and a class that is so close by so we actually go regularly. Don't get me wrong - Tai Chi is not my new religion. I do believe in actual healings, but I believe it can be more instructional for us when, after searching and pleading for help and relief, God leads us to a practitioner or therapy or treatment that allows us to participate in our healing. Namaste!

A Week's Worth

Sept. 5, 2014

I have some catching up to do! Gaps in my posts don’t mean I haven’t noticed things I’m grateful for, just that I haven’t gotten around to writing them down. So here are a few from the past week: 

• This summer I have diligently kept my hummingbird feeders filled and clean, which means making nectar at least once a week and emptying/cleaning/refilling the feeders every 2-3 days. I can see the level of the nectar going down in the tube feeder, but I never see any birds sipping from it. Since I see it going down, I keep up the routine, and I was finally rewarded a couple of days ago! While eating lunch, I looked up and a hummer was at the feeder right outside the window. He perched and drank for the longest time, then flitted around to each of the holes. He must have stayed for five minutes. Later in the day while in the pool, I saw hummers, or maybe the same one, at both feeders, again for quite a few minutes. Definitely a smile for the day!

• While shopping at Costco last week, I got in line behind an elderly woman and her daughter, who looked quite a bit older than me (which says how elderly the elder woman was!). Mama had a rebate check to cash, so her daughter went on the “customer” side of the checkout to pay for their order, and Mama went on the “cart” side to cash her check and apply it toward the purchase. She was having a hard time figuring out what to do, then figuring out how to sign the check, then she couldn’t understand that she needed to show her Costco card so they could start ringing up her items. She told the checker she’d really like a cart, and checker said, “But you have a cart right here!” “No, I want one of those carts you can ride on.” Daughter was getting impatient and whispered to the clerk, “No, she doesn’t, she’s fine.” A second clerk looked around and told Mama apologetically that all the riding carts were taken. When they finally got her and Daughter through the line, they started on my order, but Mama hadn’t quite moved beyond checkout stand. I wrapped up my checkout, and Mama was still standing there blocking the road, with a shoe in her hand and was now having trouble getting it back on. The clerk motioned for me to meet my cart on the other side of Mama; I smiled at her and hurriedly made my way for the door. (Tai Chi hasn’t broken my hurrying habit yet, I’m afraid.) Coming toward me was the second clerk at the checkout, riding toward Mama on a cart and calling out to her, “Hey, look what I found for you!” I wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time, and to sandwich-hug the clerk, Mama, and Daughter.

• I got myself into playing the organ for church this Sunday, kind of a musical chairs of substituting for someone who substituted for another organist last week. At any rate, I haven't touched the organ since Easter Sunday because playing the organ is stressful for me, and at about that time I elected to remove as much stress as possible to allow all the therapies I'm doing to actually work. Here's the thing with the organ: it is not like playing the piano, which I'm fairly good at. On organ, you don't get a sustain pedal to help you play legato - you have to actually hold each key until the next tone plays, so you have to meticulously plan - and write out - fingering, until you get really good at playing. To make it work, the left hand has to take some of the right-hand notes, which is confusing to a normal brain, but to Freddie, it's pure, intense frustration. Oh, and add feet playing pedals, often in opposing direction to hands, and it's ... stressful. Add in stage fright, and well, I had to leave organ playing behind. So back at the church practicing several times this week I was reminded of what sitting on a hard wooden bench with arms raised to play on two different manuals (higher than a piano keyboard), chin tipped up to see the music does to my body. It helped somewhat to remember the Tai Chi visualization of head pulled up by a string, the rest of the body suspended and relaxed, but even so, my hand muscles were in a cramp last night from using hand muscles that haven't been used in months, I felt the tension in my neck and shoulders, and my ribs are hurting really bad. But here's what I'm grateful for: The swimming pool - again. I came home from each organ session barely able to move, my hips, torso and legs were so stiff and painful. In the weightlessness of the water, I feel no pain; I kick, stretch and move, and the water figuratively and literally washes away tension and pain and refreshes body and spirit. I'm also grateful for Tai Chi, which is giving me actual relaxation tools to use during and after stressful events; and for sacred music that I do love so much (just not playing it in front of other people); and the opportunity of having learned how to play the organ - and not having to do it every week!

• And today's smile: Talking to my BFF from third grade for more than an hour this afternoon. She's one of those few people I absolutely trust, and when either of us just needs to talk to someone, we are the Someone we both think of first. We live thousands of miles apart now, but we meet up for a girls' weekend occasionally, and although we don't talk weekly or even monthly sometimes, when we do talk, we pick up right where we left off. We can say what we honestly feel and we know that neither of us will think less of the other one. She would come this minute if I needed her, and I would do the same for her. How precious is the gift of that kind of friend?!

Digest this ...

Aug. 19, 2014

We're quickly discovering that to learn Tai Chi is to learn intimately how the body works and moves, including how to eat and live. Every move - every hand and foot position in relation to other body parts - creates balance and strength. Sifu D is patient enough to show us how slightly moving a foot or hand increases stability, or how moving from the hips moves the rest of the body without excess effort. He takes each person's individual condition into consideration as he prepares a class and incorporates acupressure points or moves that will help each person. I was getting dizzy when bending down from the hips and then raising hands overhead; he gave me alternative moves that don't drop the head below the knees and also showed me some acupressure points and other moves that help normalize blood pressure. We visited after class about a friend I told about the class who said he planned to come to today's seated class. As we talked about my friend's health issues, the conversation turned to diet, particularly acid/pH balance. I know all about acidosis and have been working to raise my pH for some time. My current fibro doctor finally said to forget about the pH until we get Candida and mercury toxicity under control. Sifu wasn't very familiar with Candida and said he would ask his Master for some direction. 

As soon as we got to class this morning, Sifu had some info from his Master about acupressure points for low BP and diet suggestions, particularly combining foods. I've heard of it, but I couldn't remember what it is. Basically, it's not combining foods that have different digestive requirements. Proteins require intense amounts of acid to break down, while starches require an alkaline digestive medium.  The theory is that when starches and proteins are eaten together, the acid and alkaline neutralize each other, and the food passes into the body undigested. Fruit is mechanically digested in the stomach, but chemical digestion doesn't take place until it reaches the last stages of the small intestine, so if eaten with or after a meal, it sits on top of the other undigested food and starts to rot, as it's not being digested. All of that causes bloating and gas and an unhealthy digestive tract. Sifu said that people with a healthy digestive system don't have to worry as much about combining foods, but anyone with a lot of gas, bloating, and known digestive issues (including Candida) can benefit from combining foods.

I came home from class and do what I do: Google and read. I looked up "Combining Foods" and the most coherent, sensible article I found was Mercola.com. I've read all kinds of excoriating articles about Dr. Joseph Mercola - the usual quackwatch stuff. But every time I search an alternative-medicine topic, I wind up at his site and find information that doesn't sound fringe or weird at all. Since the Candida Diet hasn't done much for me, nor have antifungal drugs, I've been doing some things to improve gut health, namely adding some resistant starch and beefier probiotics. I'll give food combining a go and see how I feel.

Today's smile: 

 
A thank-you note handwritten by Grandson #1, all 5 years of him. He has a good Mommy teaching him to do such things :-)

Energy and calm

Aug. 2, 2014

Before pain and fatigue sidelined me, I was a writer and photographer. The brain fog took away words and my ability to organize and stay on task. The fatigue and pain stole the ability to accomplish physical and mental tasks, and feelings of self worth vanished. Consequently, I alternated between feeling hopeful and defeated.

I went back to college in my late 30s, before the onset of my health problems, although I believe it all really started there with the stress of my own unrealistic expectation to be the best at everything I did. A dear professor and mentor literally wouldn’t let me quit my journalism degree when the going got tough. Several years after graduation, when my health declined until I had to quit writing altogether, she reminded me that nothing is lost on a writer: “Why don’t you write about your experience?”

I tried once. Or twice. It was just too hard, trying to sort through why and how I got to be this way, and trying to chronicle all the doctors I’ve seen and treatments I’ve tried. Worst of all, trying to find words was an exercise in frustration that reminded me all too painfully of what I had lost.

I’m on my third fibro doctor, I’ve completed six months of an impossibly restrictive diet, I take handfuls of supplements three to five times a day, and I avoid toxins and chemicals, including fluoride and artificial sweeteners. I’ve explored Candidiasis, heavy metal toxicity, Lyme Disease, CNS malfunction and psychological factors. Today I am back to the first thing I read as I began trying to learn about fibromyalgia: that almost all of us sufferers are perfectionists who push ourselves to the limit and who stress or worry about nearly everything. To remedy that, I’ve tried Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping the body’s meridian points), acupressure, acupuncture, yoga, and meditation, although I’ve never mastered meditation on my own. In my gut I’ve always known that to get better, I would have to figure out how to calm my mind, relax my body and get over having to be perfect, but I’ve not realized success with any of these.

Monday I found Tai Chi. I’ve heard repeatedly that Tai Chi is one of the best things for Fibro. During the first class, it was perfectly clear why. It is meditation. You can’t think about anything else but doing the movements, which are fluid, graceful and ultimately relaxing. They are so slow they deceivingly require muscle control and strength, and when done with correct form, provide gentle but powerful stretching.

This week I’ve had energy that I haven’t felt in years. It could be attributed to a number of new things I started since we got home from vacation two weeks ago:

·      I began taking DHEA 10 mg (lab tests done before vacation showed I was low)

·      I began drinking 10-20 oz. of alkalized water a day (via Juuva’s Energy Cup)

·      To reduce electromagnetic field exposure, I stopped talking with my cell or cordless phone to my head; unplugged all electrical gadgets in my bedroom while I sleep and when not in use; and don’t use my laptop on my lap.

·      A "cold" front dropped temps all week to the 70s and 80s (heat wilts me!)

·      I spent time with a friend who inspired me to be constantly aware of negative thoughts and replace them with happy, lighter ones. This goes hand-in-hand with a book I started reading before vacation, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D., Burns, M.D. in which the author cites studies showing that positive thoughts literally change brain chemistry.

Today’s smile(s) came first thing in the morning as husby and I were walking in the neighborhood. Coming toward us was a woman totally unaware that anyone else was out and about, humming out loud – no earphones, just her own song. A few moments later, someone behind us called out a greeting. Most times when we walk, it’s hard to get anyone we encounter to even nod hello, even when we’re close enough to brush their arm. As he passed us, we saw that he was riding a bike and pulling a baby in a bike trailer, and he called, “Rides just $5!” I’m thankful for God’s little smile early this morning in not one, but two manifestations!

And this week, I’m thankful for energy and a mind clear enough to write. It feels good, and it seems right to start a gratitude diary. If next week turns bad again, I’ll have this week to remember until another good day comes!