Renewed Hope

Oct. 29, 2014

Back to Fibro doc today after four months. At my previous appointment, he seemed to be throwing up his hands - beyond testing and possible treatment for Lyme Disease and heavy metal testing/chelation, he had little else to offer me. I truly don't believe I have Lyme Disease, and I'm not willing to do antibiotic treatment even if I had Lyme; besides, Doc doesn't know of anyone in the area who treats Lyme anyway, so I see no point in testing. I'm not really on board for heavy metal testing and chelation the way Doc does it, either - I've read too much that says chelating agents don't have a strong enough bond to the metals to hold onto them all the way out of the system. The metals get pulled out of tissue, but when the bond breaks, a lot of metal ends up getting redistributed throughout the body, often in places it wasn't in before. Dentist says it's counterproductive to do chelation before all the mercury is out of my mouth, and since I don't feel good about doing chelation at this point anyway, I believe it's actually been a blessing that I haven't been able to chew without pain on the teeth that have had amalgams removed and/or crowns placed. Dentist says it can take up to a year for those teeth to calm down, which buys me some time before Doc begins pushing the chelation. I'm hoping that Tai Chi, diet and supplements together will improve my immune system enough that after the amalgams are completely gone it can handle any remaining metals without chelation therapy.

Doc began the appointment by asking me to tell him what's going on; he had a list of questions but wanted to hear from me first. I told him about starting Tai Chi in August and that it's been amazing; at the same time I began writing this gratitude journal, and hand-in-hand they have given me a new outlook. I told him why I started writing this - because of the epiphany that Freddie doesn't define me along with a personal need to write again - and related to him the positive effect: looking for blessings every day makes me aware that there really is much more to my life than Fibromyalgia, and that overall my life is very good. Not surprisingly, but still miraculous, I have felt better. He nodded knowingly. He told me at my last appointment, when I felt defeated and showed it, of a patient who just didn't respond to any treatments (one of those 10 percent, of which club I appeared to be a sad new member) and how she reported to him some time after he released her that she turned her life over to God. She accepted her condition and His will, and once she did that, she began to feel better. He urged me to do that, which I had tried many times to do. The gratitude journal - along with the meditative essence of Tai Chi - seemed to be the key to peace for me.

How grateful I am to have been led to a physician who recognizes that any medical intervention is only a complement to spirituality in promoting physical health. At every appointment, he has asked me, "Are you good with God?" or "How are you with God?" I am a spiritual person; my religion is my life. Yet somehow I could never find healing through prayer and faith alone; for whatever reason, I needed a physician to combine medical knowledge with spirituality, and perhaps now just happened to be the time for the two to come together. He told me today that he's not one to tell a patient he can fix this or that or to give false hope (yes, I saw that in my last two appointments!), but that he could tell me today he really believes I will get well. It won't be a revelation, "Hey! I'm healed!" but will be a gradual process. 

So, the technicalities of today's appointment: Doc says for me, the diagnosis "Fibromyalgia" really means mitochondrial dysfunction, as fatigue remains the primary, persistent issue. 

1. First, we need to address sleep, which was pretty good until our vacation approached and my mind raced with preparations. Then on vacation, sleeping in different beds with uncomfortable pillows, coupled with my propensity to overthink details of each day's adventures kept me half-awake every night. If I don't get back into better sleep in the next few weeks, he wants to consider a low-dose pharmacological combination to promote restorative sleep. A body cannot heal without restorative sleep!
2. He has learned even more about glutathione and methylation cycle since our last appointment, and he feels that I can triple my ALA dose to 600 mg twice a day. 
3. He ordered bloodwork to look at DHEA-S, Ferritin, and comprehensive metabolic panel to evaluate how the liver and kidney are functioning. He also wanted a specialized test for glutathione that had to be done in his office, so I did it while there today (three attempts by two nurses to find a vein ... aargh, the reason IV therapies are not a good option for me!) If glutathione is low, he will supplement, hopefully with liposomal cream, nasal spray or other non-intravenous carrier. 
4. Cortisol levels are OK - not great, but no longer at crashing level. I stopped taking cortisol about two months ago and went back on AdrenoChelate; I haven't noticed crashes, but Doc says the formula is weak and recommended Adrenal Stress-End by Integrative Therapeutics instead. 
5. No more Candida therapy! Even though Doc says this, I know too well how sugar and processed foods make me feel, so I will continue with a clean diet.
6. He gave me deep breathing exercises to do, which I did in the past, probably with Fibro Doc #1. Deep, abdominal breathing is inherent in Tai Chi, which I do at least once a day, but Doc's exercises are a good reminder. They're great because they can be done while driving (when I most need relaxation) or standing in line (the second-most common source of nervous stress) or at any time/place. I've actually had people in public places ask me if I'm OK when I start breathing deeply at the onset of stress. I'm sure I look like a head case about to pass out when I do that, but if people only knew how effective a few deep breaths is for centering and calming oneself!

And now it's time for bed, so I'll apply some progesterone cream and lavender oil, do my mind-calming Tai Chi memory exercises, and hope for pleasant dreams. I go to the retina specialist in the morning, though, so my mind will likely be anticipating that all night. For heaven's sake!

Back to Real Life

Oct. 28, 2014

Quick post today because I'm back from vacation, and that means getting back on the fast-moving treadmill. I miss being on vacation, but not living out of a suitcase; I miss the mountains, but I'm grateful to be back at Tai Chi. We were the only ones in class last night and today, so my first classes back were pretty much personal instruction. Nice. Although I did a quick run-through of the basics most mornings while on vacay, I did miss my classes. 

Smile for today: Playing in the park this morning with Grandson #2, in temps a good 15 degrees lower than the high 80s of the previous two days - both things for which to be grateful!

Roses

Oct. 23, 2014

If lunch with two more high-school friends wasn't splendid enough, M's hubby appeared at our table with three bunches of roses - one for each of us. How do I even express how that felt? I'm grateful for Friend and that she's married to such a sweet, thoughtful guy. 

I'm thankful that on a day, following two other days this week when lone-wolf guerrillas are taking it upon themselves to hurt and terrorize innocent people in American cities, other people like M's hubby are going about doing things to uplift people and make them happy.

My circle of friends in junior high school started with these two girls, and I'm so grateful that they were the nucleus from which it all sprouted.

Sisters

Oct. 23, 2014

Today I'm grateful for sisters - mine, my mom's, and the daughters of my sisters. We met for dinner tonight - one of my mom's two remaining sisters, her daughter (my funny, funny cousin), my two sisters, and every one of our daughters. All of Mom's girls haven't been together like that since the last family gathering at her house when the granddaughters were just little, certainly long before they grew up and scattered. Since Mom's gone, it was all the more special to have her sister with us. As often happens when actively looking at everyday blessings, I recognize things for which I've always been thankful in a more poignant light. In the presence of 10 women who share blood and familial love, I deeply appreciate what a gift sisters are.

I'm thankful to have grown up with two built-in friends, and I'm thankful they are still my friends. I spent the last two days with Older Sister, and we never ran out of things to talk about. Younger Sister came to dinner after having just flown back into town from New York. She was exhausted after a pressure-filled business trip and a long flight, but she came because we're sisters. Growing up, my sisters were my confidantes, my allies, my sounding board when our dad's discipline didn't feel fair, my playmates, and my idols. We shared clothes, pranks and secrets. How different and solitary my life would be if I didn't have these girls!

Having only one daughter (and so grateful that I have one), I admit that although I was often annoyed at Older Sister's girls' obnoxious silliness when they were together, I was probably also a bit jealous that there were so many of them and that they enjoyed each other so much. Now that they are grown up, they're just as close, and silliness still breaks out, but to witness how they still genuinely love being together added to my gratitude for sisters - and cousins, which are really sisters-once-removed, right? As each of Older Sister's daughters was invited to dinner, three said it would be hard to come due to distance, children to care for, tight budgets ... but as soon as one learned that another was planning to attend, in quick succession each of the others committed to coming and found a way to do it. It was heartwarming to visit with each individually and appreciate what lovely young women they are and to be happy for the bond they share. 

Younger Sister's daughter said yes within minutes of being invited just a day in advance, and Daughter made arrangements for S-I-L to take Grandson for an outing tonight so she could be with us as well. I admit to being awed at how each of these girls made getting together a priority. They are wise enough to know that these are the moments that make life good. 

Cousin said her Mum was "just all kinds of happy about this." Aunt got verklempt when we all sat down at the table together. After dinner, Cousin presented Sisters and I each a wrapped gift to remind us of our reunion: a blingy pen, which they didn't even realize was the most appropriate gift possible for three sisters who have a pen and paper fetish. 

Dinner over and tabs paid, we still had things to say ... so we stood on the sidewalk, shivering in the cold, continuing one unfinished conversation that had been divided into two tables over dinner. We reminisced about our younger days and lamented that our memories were fading, and the people who could help us remember are gone. It came to me that memories become precious when they begin to escape us. Aunt couldn't remember the names of the family's work horses and wished she could ask her brother, which prompted a few of us to regret not having written such things down - and to resolve to start writing them now! So here are a few things I will be glad I wrote down, and so will my posterity, I'm quite sure. 

You Have a Friend

Oct. 18, 2014

Back in Utah today, I met three good high school friends for lunch. I will meet two others next week. This is always a nurturing experience, as I love these girls so dearly. They were good girls and they are amazing, strong and good women. We often express our gratitude and amazement that we not only found each other back in 7th grade but that our friendships have remained through our adult years. Today, though, as I reminisced with A, who arrived before the other two, a profound thought came. Would anyone argue that high school years are turbulent, the time when we experience deep insecurity and self-centeredness as we try to figure out who we are and what we want? How is it, then, that the friends we make during that time are often friends for life? I don't know many people who go back to college reunions, but we go back to high school reunions, often until all the class members have passed on. I believe A nailed the answer: the choices we make in high school are pivotal; most significantly, the friends we choose quite literally determine who we will be as adults. As I swam the social sea of pre-teenhood, I mingled with various types of kids, some of whom were already making choices that would lead them in sad paths. How incredibly grateful I am to have gravitated to these friends, who ended up being a group of more than a dozen. They are smart, talented, successful, optimistic and wise. I am the person I am today in large part due to these blessed girls. 

We were so busy enjoying each other yesterday that we forgot to take a picture. Gratitude journals have room for regrets, too.

Mirror, Mirror

Oct. 16, 2014

Could it be time to leave the Montana cabin already? 

Sadly, we packed up on this clear, sunny and very crisp morning, took one last look at the view from the deck (Husby & I did our Tai Chi Unification form on the deck for good measure, because when do we have the opportunity to do it in this kind of nature?), and headed toward Yellowstone on our way back to Utah. 

Beaver Lake, a small lake just east of Quake Lake, perfectly mirrors the mountains and pine trees. We've wanted a picture of it since the first day we drove past it, but we never timed a photo op just right. Today, however, the conditions were perfect, and we took pictures that can never adequately depict what our eyes saw; I'm grateful to have seen it. 

 

Starry, Starry Night

Oct. 15, 2014

Today I'm grateful for childhood memories of Yellowstone, homemade chili and stars. 

I remember my family's camping trips, many of them to Yellowstone, and some of my memories bubbled to the surface as we drove those roads again with Daughter, Son-In-Law and Grandson. Grandson is 5, and as five-year-olds do, he talks incessantly, usually nonsense. He pokes, squirms, laughs, then instantly turns to sulking when he doesn't get his way. That reminded me of three little girls squirming on the back seat of my dad's Oldsmobile as the miles stretched endlessly on, with my dad crossly threatening that he would pull off the road and spank me if I didn't stop giggling. He kept his word on more than one occasion, and I would cry, my bottom stinging, only to start giggling again as soon as the car was back in motion. My sisters have both independently recorded the same memory, so I'm pretty sure it really happened as I remember it. On this trip, the realization came to me that I must have been about 5 when my own annoying behavior caused some aggravation on family vacations. I never thought spankings would be a memory for which I'm grateful, but somehow, I am.

Daughter wanted a family portrait from this trip, so today, even though it was cloudy, we set up a portrait on the cabin deck and down on the river bank. Yesterday was sunny and would have been a perfect portrait day, but we had so much we wanted to see in the park that we got home too late to do a portrait.

Despite the clouds, the air was still today - until the moment we wrapped up, then the wind came up and blustered the rest of the day. I'm grateful that we got to take a family picture for Daughter. After my parents died, one of my sisters went through all of my dad's slides and made a digital selection of representative photos. I treasure more than words can express the ones of our trips to Yellowstone, many of them probably taken in the exact spots we have taken pictures the last few days. I know what this family photo will someday mean to Daughter and Grandson, and perhaps to others in the family tree who haven't yet been born. 

I also felt a sense of personal history when we drove the road around Quake Lake, as my family was in the great Yellowstone earthquake of Aug. 17, 1959. I was not quite 3 years old, and my family was in a camper when the quake hit at about 11:30 p.m.; the 7.5-magnitude quake triggered a landslide that sent 80 million tons of rock crashing down on sleeping campers at a Forest Service campsite just west of Yellowstone. About 28 people were killed, either crushed under the rock or drowned in the Madison River. I never realized until this trip how grateful I am that we were protected. The 50-year-old dead trees rising out of the depths of the six-mile-long lake are an eerie reminder of how blessed we were.

We put chili ingredients in the crock pot this morning before leaving on our day's adventure and came home to the most wonderful aroma. Even the next-door neighbor's dogs apparently knew something was cooking and were on the doorstep the minute our truck pulled up. I'm grateful for the blessing of food and for how delicious it tastes after a long day of exploring nature. After dinner we played games, and I'm grateful for the bonds that are formed when families play together.

The day ended with a gathering on the porch to look at the stars. This is the only night of our stay that the skies have been completely clear. It's been so long since I’ve seen stars like that, I was awe-struck. We saw the Milky Way stretch across the entire sky. Grandson saw for the first time the Big and Little Dipper, but the stars were so dense that Husby and S-I-L couldn’t find Orion. There we were with the expanse of endless stars like tiny holes punched in a perfectly clear blue-black sky letting heaven shine through; silhouettes of pines against that sky; the river shushing by, and night-birds calling … heaven on earth. I'm filled with gratitude for that breathtaking experience.

Surrounded by Majesty

Oct. 14, 2014

It’s pretty easy to find things for which to be grateful while on vacation – it’s vacation, after all! 

I’ve kept vacation journals before, but I’ve never recorded how I feel about what I see and experience. Doing it brings a new dimension to vacation, just as it has done to everyday life. 

I'm grateful for the wonders of nature I've seen the last few days. I've seen these same features many times, but it occurred to me, as I’m sure it does every time I visit (but I forget when I get back home), that I'm witnessing God’s majesty here. I don’t often see or feel that in man-made surroundings. 

As I looked out at the stunning vistas, with dramatic rocky cliffs towering to the sides, a clear rushing river cascading to a dramatic falls, and beyond that, miles and miles of green pine trees stretching to the blue mountains on the horizon, I felt so grateful for all this splendor! 

And today I’m grateful for 60-degree temps, which made visiting all these sights even more pleasurable than yesterday, when it was overcast a lot of the day, 38° and windy, so our hands, noses and ears stung with the cold. 

Walking through the mist from the hot pots made it even colder, and at one particular spot, the steam was so dense our hair was dripping and our eyelashes froze; our coats were covered with frost, and we looked like wet cats.  

 


We headed to Old Faithful at lunchtime and ate our little picnic on a bench near the geyser, shivering and walking around to stay warm. We were blessed with a tender mercy: the geyser went off about 15 minutes after we ate lunch, and the next eruption wasn’t for nearly two more hours! To be at the site I visited so many times as a child and to see it again now through the eyes of my grandson was ... kind of like Christmas. Things that are magical to a kid don't seem quite so magical when you grow up until you become a grandparent. I'm grateful to have felt the magic again!



We walked and hiked and got in and out of the car dozens of times, and we came home tired and happy. 

We built a fire in the fire pit on the riverbank and roasted hot dogs and completely saturated our clothes and hair with campfire smoke. I'm grateful for all the happy family-camping-vacation memories this activity conjured and to share it now with Grandson. 

 

I'm grateful to look out the window and see this for five glorious days in autumn!

I Have Been Purchased

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Sabbath in the mountains … we had no church to attend today, but if worship is communion with God, then at times, Nature is a fine chapel.

 He who created this chapel of trees, water and mountains (which received a snow-frosting last night) also walked the earth and felt all the pains I have or ever will feel. He himself surely experienced stomachaches, headaches, fevers, scrapes and bruises. We are told He knew sorrow and grief, for He too lost friends and loved ones to death and more tragically, to sin. He was reviled, tempted and betrayed. Whatever mortality has to offer in the way of trials and suffering He knew, either through His own experience or through mine, and everyone else whose soul He lived to redeem. 

He never faltered, He never lost sight of His purpose; even when He could have saved Himself from the agony that only He could endure, He continued. With His tears and His love, He purchased me. 

I often forget that and become frightened, disheartened, impatient and angry. I have become distracted by a job, a hobby or pursing a talent, all of which are gifts from God, but which have, ironically, at one time or another replaced proper worship of the Giver of those gifts.

But listening to a rebroadcast of last week’s LDS Church General Conference messages – here in this environment where my spirit feels most at home – I reflected and resolved to do better at utilizing His sacrifice for me.

I am supremely grateful for my Savior. I am grateful to be reminded today – and every Sabbath day as I take the sacrament of the Lord’s supper – of the love He has for me, for what He was willing to do for me, and that He alone knows how I really feel, and thus how to comfort me, because He felt it, too.

 Today’s smile (from yesterday): As Husby, Daughter & Family and I were saying a family prayer for safety in our travels before we embarked on our trip to the mountains together, I peeked at Grandson, who happened to be peeking at me. We both knew our eyes should be closed, and I’m afraid I wasn’t a very good example. But it made both of us giggle silently to see the other one peeking. Funny, too, he didn’t peek at anyone else, and neither did I. Kindred spirits.

Autumn Day

Oct. 11, 2014

Today I’m grateful to be in the mountains soaking up the crisp air, scented with pine and drenched with freshness. The brilliant yellows, which are all that remain of fall’s colors for this year, look startlingly like flames set against a cerulean sky or the deep emerald of surrounding evergreens. 

This is the time of year that makes me long to live again in the mountain West. I love, love, love Fall. I'm not sure what Zen is, but I'm thinking maybe that's what I feel when I sit cloaked in the glorious blanket of autumn, because I can't conjure words that convey the alive-ness I feel in the Fall. It's cozy and comfortable and refreshing; it's warmth, inherent in fall-cooking spices and campfire smoke, and all things Fall.

It's spiritual - it's reverence for the sheer beauty and for the Creator, who in His loving-kindness created something like this at the end of every wearyingly hot summer. As I write, I can feel my body and mind settle just hearing the river rushing by; the rain on the roof adds to the water Chi. Aside from the river, it's absolutely quiet and still. Thank thee, Heavenly Father, for making this!

Get Hip

Oct. 4, 2014

Just when I was feeling quite good, and right in the throes of getting ready to go on an extended vacation, I felt a giant twinge in my hip a couple of days ago when I stretched to one side. My hip went into spasms and gave out on me when I tried to walk or otherwise move my hips. I found out quickly that we use our hips for almost everything - getting up from a seated position, turning over in bed, bending over, walking, balancing, and I found out the hips and back are very much involved in coughing and sneezing!  Every muscle movement made my hip scream, and the more I tried to hold myself up – or move without making it flare – the more all my muscles tensed until my neck and shoulders were stiff and aching, too. It got worse each day, probably because more parts of my body were cramped up in reaction to the hip pain. It was a bit better first thing in the morning, but the longer I was up, especially standing, the tighter and more painful it got. The only thing I can think of that I did differently was adding short jogging intervals to my morning walks this week. Guess this body isn’t putting up with any kind of pounding!

I have so many errands to run, so many things to take care of before we leave, and food to prepare because there’s no telling where or if we’ll be able to find things I can eat on the road – no sugar, no processed food, no dairy, no grains, no almonds, only organic meat, and on and on.  So all this considered, it’s no surprise that the gifts from Heaven I especially appreciated the last few days are these:

• Parking spaces close to the door at every store I went to on my errand-running the first day this happened (when I could still walk and drive, albeit with difficulty). Seriously, when do you find the spot nearest the door at each and every stop??? I always do a victory punch when I find a prime parking space (and am equally put out when I don’t!), but these last few days it was quite literally a Godsend.
• The hip miraculously loosened up this afternoon! The temperature was so cool this morning (delightful cool front last night!) I decided an easy walk around the block might stretch and loosen my hips. As I walked, I breathed in the cool air, a la Tai Chi practice. I imagined breathing energy in and focused the energy in the tight hip. As I breathed out, I imagined pain, tightness, stress and anxiety leaving. This afternoon I was able to do some cleaning-out in the pantry (Lighten Up!), and I was surprised to find myself bending over, lifting and moving cans and boxes with almost no pain. I couldn’t pick up or move anything yesterday or even this morning. I’ve been a believer in Tai Chi since day 1, but just this week Sifu introduced us to doing the moves with a focus on energy. I’ll write a post soon about the new layers of Tai Chi we’re learning about, but today’s experience was a definite Smile – and I’m grateful again to have found Tai Chi, the instructor we have, and a class that is so close by so we actually go regularly. Don't get me wrong - Tai Chi is not my new religion. I do believe in actual healings, but I believe it can be more instructional for us when, after searching and pleading for help and relief, God leads us to a practitioner or therapy or treatment that allows us to participate in our healing. Namaste!

Do Sweat It!

Oct. 1, 2014

It’s October 1 and 93° ...  for those of us who are weary of summer, that’s quite annoying. However, there are two good things about it:

1. One more pool day – it’s pretty sweet to be in the pool on Oct. 1, 10 days into Fall.
2. Today’s high temps and sweltering humidity provided the perfect test day for a new deodorant I ordered. Primal Pit Paste is a truly aluminum- and paraben-free deodorant recommended on Danielle Walker’s blog, and my trial size arrived yesterday. More in a moment about why I chose this concoction …

The verdict:  Pit Paste rocks! Not only is this stuff invisible, non-sticky, non-greasy, non-fragranced (if you want it that way – they also have a bunch of essential-oil based fragranced varieties), but it works!  Other “natural” deodorants I’ve tried don’t keep me dry (which I can kind of put up with because sweating releases toxins), and they don’t work particularly well in the odor area, either. With Pit Paste, no wetness, no odor – it felt I didn’t have anything on my pits at all. I promptly ordered the regular size.

A lot of deodorants claim to be “natural” and aluminum-free, when in reality, aluminum is the main ingredient. Once I learned that aluminum is a neurotoxin a couple of years ago, I thought I was so proactive by ditching my Secret solid for a natural salt deodorant. But when I learned about Primal Pit Paste, whose Web site says most ”natural” deodorants do have aluminum, I checked my deodorant’s ingredient list.  It proudly claims to have no aluminum chlorhydrate, listing the only ingredient as potassium alum. Look that up! It’s a naturally occurring form of aluminum salt. So technically, manufacturers can say it’s “natural” – but just because something occurs in the earth doesn’t mean we need it in our bodies. Aluminum is a prime example of that. It has been linked to Alzheimer’s and other neurological issues as well breast cancer. Find links to studies showing that aluminum has been shown to interfere with estrogen-related gene expression here, here, here, and here. And these are from the NIH, the bastion of Western-Medicine thought. To read Dr. Joseph Mercola's thoughts on the health dangers of aluminum in antiperspirants and deodorants, click here.

So what is the ingredient list for Primal Pit Paste? From their Web site:

This is not an antiperspirant, but you would not know it because it keeps you dry. It is important to sweat and release toxins. Most deodorants and antiperspirants not only keep the toxins in by preventing you from sweating, but they are designed to absorb into the skin. And what are you absorbing? Aluminum and Parabens, to name just few harmful chemicals linked to Alzheimer's and Cancer.

Organic Coconut Oil, which has many health benefits for your brain and overall health.

Organic, Raw Grade-A Shea Butter, which has amazing properties like vitamin A and D which are great for your skin. In Africa, shea butter is used for cooking. It is derived from the nut of shea karite -tree. The shea butter we buy is fair trade, which is helping to support the women in Africa.

Non-Aluminum Baking Soda is a powerful odor-fighting ingredient!

Organic Arrowroot Powder is used as a thickener and helps with soaking up moisture while you sweat out those toxins!