Treats

Feb. 21, 2015

What makes a treat a treat is that it’s something enjoyed only occasionally. 

We had dinner tonight with the Friends we do dinner with every couple of months. I posted the last time we met, when I hosted – this is the Friend who appreciates eating healthy and well, so we enjoy eating good food together. Last time we included Daughter and Son-in-law and it was such a good dynamic that we all did it again this time around, at Friend's home. Being with all of them fills me with joy, and I realized that even though I would be elated to hang with them every day, part of the reason getting together like this is so sweet is because we don’t get to do it very often. I’m grateful for treats.

Energy Crisis

Feb. 8, 2015

The Friend who prompted me to start writing this journal inspired me with a positive way of viewing disappointments: “When something goes wrong in your life, just yell, ‘Plot twist!’ and move on.” Excellent advice for people who have normal energy stores. What I’ve come to learn, though, is that Plot Twists take a lot more energy than I ever realized. No one thinks about how much energy each daily activity takes until the energy tank is on empty.

When I try to explain to people that I’m not up to doing something, that I can’t do anything late in the day, or that I can’t do anything physically or intellectually strenuous, they either think I’m making excuses or they just don't get that I can't do those things.

I think of it like this: I wake up each morning with a small pocketful of coins; most other people I know start out with a wagonload of coins. When you have more coins than you’ll ever use in a day, you don’t realize how much you spend on every little thing like showering, drying your hair, dressing, fixing breakfast and cleaning up your dishes. Every step, every movement, even every thought process costs a coin or two. When the coins are gone, they’re gone. That’s it. The bank is empty until tomorrow. If you don’t sleep well, you wake up with even fewer coins. When you know you have only a few coins to spend, you plan and budget very carefully. You try to minimize steps and economize all your movements; you have a meltdown when you drop or spill something because you know cleaning up the mess will use up precious coins. Pain is very expensive, so you avoid things that cause it at all costs – for me, that's sitting or standing or doing anything for very long, as well as physical exertion, which results in muscle aches.

Aside from other energy-destitute people, few understand why something as routine as fixing a meal is such an ordeal for me. I don’t like food prep and cooking to begin with, so that’s a coin right off the bat. But consider the process, then imagine doing it after having run a marathon:

1. Coming up with a meal idea in the first place - not one dish, a meal
2. Making a shopping list
3. Going shopping, and in my case, sometimes having to hunt for Paleo ingredients – add Candida diet restrictions, and shopping becomes an exhausting proposition
4. Finding a parking space close to the door is a priority, not because I’m lazy, but because I desperately need the energy for the actual shopping
5. Hauling said groceries to the car – even more of a chore if I haven’t nabbed that coveted parking space near the door
6. Driving home – read: navigating traffic and staying alert while operating heavy machinery
7. Hauling said groceries into the house, where they sit on the counter while I drop into a recliner to regroup for a while; then I dig out a few more coins to bribe my brain into doing the puzzle that is moving food in and out of the fridge and pantry
8. Getting out ingredients, pots, bowls, utensils, then measuring and mixing everything – always frustrating because my mind has a hard time sorting and keeping things straight. I have never in my life been able to memorize a recipe or even figure out from experience how to put a dish together.
9. Cleaning up the mess
10. Starting all over again in about three hours (minus the shopping, unless I’ve forgotten an ingredient or two)

Meal prep costs me almost all of my day’s coins, which is why I don’t make lunch, why dinner is the worst part of my day, and why make-and-freeze prep for several meals at a time is a great time-saving solution for those with wagonloads of coins, but for me it simply isn’t possible.

And that’s just meals! Laundry is a coin or two, cleaning a bathroom is about five coins, having to deal with an insurance claim is a good 10 coins, and doing even small household repairs take a few coins; if they start to pile up, just thinking about tackling them can empty the pocket. Even fun things like going to visit a grandchild or a friend use up almost a day’s worth, so you don’t plan anything else for days with costly activities. 

A Plot Twist uses up a lot of coins because you have to figure out how to reroute (brain processing is often more costly than physical movement) and then physically carry out Plan B. Multiple Plot Twists in one day can easily use up all your change and land you in bed, or in a crying heap on the floor. 

It’s hard for energy-rich people to comprehend what it feels like when you run out. The closest comparison to which most people can relate is having the flu – the aching joints, the weakness and inability to move much less get out of bed. But as the term implies, Chronic Fatigue never ends. So you constantly budget your energy with as much miserly care as the financially poor budget their money, reluctant to spend on anything unnecessary. But there is no energy overdraft protection. If you’re in the middle of something when it happens, you have to try to keep going on fumes, but it’s not very pretty, and you can’t do it for long. You suddenly get irritable and irrational because your brain won’t work, you drop things and bump into things because your sense of space is off kilter. You feel like you’re melting into the ground, and “melting” is an apt metaphor, because you’ll be acting like the Wicked Witch of the North; at this point, you are quite literally shutting down. 

If functioning without energy and brainpower isn't maddening enough, you are misunderstood by strangers and friends alike. They think you're a grouch (and you are but you don't want to be), that you're lazy, that you're a hypochondriac. They begin to avoid you because within moments you can swing from feeling OK and being nice to crashing and acting irrational, snippy and even mean. But no one would know you're crashing because you look fine.  Even your friends stop calling because after you decline social invitations several times, they think you can't ever go play, or they decide you're no fun. 

I've been writing this post for several days; ironically, today Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is all over the news with the release of a year-long report. Get this:

The National Institute of Medicine on Tuesday declared chronic fatigue a legitimate disease that plagues "millions of Americans." It was also given the new name of systemic exertion intolerance disease.

I’m so relieved to know that what I’ve described in this post is now legitimate. And that giving it a different name will make it all better. 

But this is a gratitude journal, so I'm grateful if a respected institution is able to convince mainstream doctors to listen to patients who complain of debilitating fatigue and perhaps learn how to help them. I will be even more grateful if the medical community recognizes that drugs don't cure everything and if they open their minds to alternative treatments like diet, supplements and mind-body practices like Tai Chi.

Immunity

Jan. 29, 2015

I’m so grateful I didn’t catch the bad cold/flu that Husby – and just about everyone else, it seems – had this week.

Perhaps the way I’ve been eating for a year actually has begun to heal my gut and boosted my immune system! And just how have I been eating?

• What I omit: Refined sugar, simple carbs, grains, beans & legumes, dairy, processed anything

• What I eat: Complex carbs sparingly, organic meat & produce when practical, raw and unprocessed foods wherever possible

• Gut-healing supplements I use:  Probiotics & prebiotics, L-Glutamine, antifungal substances such as oregano oil, caprylic acid (found abundantly in unprocessed coconut oil), Echinacea, grapefruit seed extract, Pau d'Arco

Cake-and-Bagua Walk

Sunday, Nov. 9, 2014

It's the time of year to be grateful, and not just in the sense of November and Thanksgiving: for shirtsleeve-cool, not-humid air, for sunrise late enough to actually see and enjoy (never have been an early-morning person!). This year I'm particularly appreciating the season, as I've been doing my morning Tai Chi on the back deck. At 7:30 or so, the sun isn't yet in my eyes but is a warm orange glow just above the fence line. One morning this week after a rain the night before, steam was rising eerily off the fence as the sun began to warm the air.

Look closely - see the steam?

I breathe in the cold morning air, which burns my nostrils, but beyond the cold, the experience is so much more invigorating outdoors than inside that I relish every day I can do this in the back yard. A few weeks ago it was too warm and muggy, and soon it will be too cold. Fall mornings are a treat worth waiting 10 months for; starting a Fall day with focused Tai Chi is a particular gift.

With daily practice, Tai Chi movements have become somewhat more natural, and thus our classes have advanced beyond choreography to focusing on energy movement. As we do the forms, we envision energy flowing out from hands or feet, and we do feel a difference in the hand and feet positions when we feel that energy. Theoretically, when energy blockages break up and energy flows as it should, healing occurs. At a class last week, Sifu said he was skipping Qigong that night because of the weather. That was a new one - but he quite often surprises us with nuances of the practice. He explained that Qigongs are intended to gather energy from the earth and get it moving in the body in an organized, health-giving way. When a storm is brewing or in progress, atmospheric energy is chaotic and can upset the body's energy if brought in through Qigong. Further, he said that early morning is the very best time to do Qigongs, when the day's energy is new and fresh. 

The next day, he taught us how to do Bagua, or Circle Walking - for those inclement-weather days when walking outside isn't practical. The basic pattern is to visualize a spot on the floor and walk in a circle around it; not as simple as walking in a circle, as it requires the outside foot to actually make an arc that keeps the pattern in a uniform circle. He taught us four hand positions, in each of which both hands are kept in a certain position on the inside of the circle as the feet walk. To begin, Sifu told us to take 20 steps in each direction, in each hand position. We tried it, and it's tougher than it looks - and oh yes, it does make you warm, if not hot!

More Gratitude for the week: I celebrated a birthday with people I love, both in-person and far away. Husby planned a full day, including a visit to the Kimbell art museum to see Impressionistic works on loan from the Musee d'Orsay in Paris, followed by lunch with Daughter and Grandson #1. They brought gifts and a hydrangea for the table; Grandson said he was thrilled I was turning 30. (I think one time this year he asked how old I was and I probably told him 29). Husby gave me a potted calla lily plant with amber flowers I had admired at Central Market last week and other thoughtful gifts. I received cards and calls from dear friends & sisters who remember my little day. Dinner with Husby, and then Son & family came over for paleo carrot cake, I gift I made for myself. 

Paleo carrot cake - wow, 10 eggs!

The cake itself tasted just like my old favorite recipe and had good texture for a flourless cake but was a little wet (Tres Leches carrot cake?). The mock-cream cheese icing (made with palm shortening, ghee, cashew butter for the cheesy flavor, and apple cider vinegar/lemon juice for the tang) was a pretty credible substitute, and I'm a cream-cheese icing lover!

But pretty, right?!? Especially on my mom's milk-glass cake stand.

 

Smile for today: I sat by Son, D-I-L and Grandson #2 in church today. At the end of the meeting, I said to Grandson, "Are you going to nursery now?!" He nodded, pacifier firmly in mouth. I stood up and reached for his hand, which he put in mine and we headed down the aisle. He has never wanted anything to do with me - pulls away if I get too close, certainly won't let me hold him, and only recently gave up screaming fits if left alone with me. So I looked down at him, thinking he must have thought he was holding his daddy's hand. Nope. He knew it was me, and we were walking to nursery together - and he was just fine with it. Finally!

Renewed Hope

Oct. 29, 2014

Back to Fibro doc today after four months. At my previous appointment, he seemed to be throwing up his hands - beyond testing and possible treatment for Lyme Disease and heavy metal testing/chelation, he had little else to offer me. I truly don't believe I have Lyme Disease, and I'm not willing to do antibiotic treatment even if I had Lyme; besides, Doc doesn't know of anyone in the area who treats Lyme anyway, so I see no point in testing. I'm not really on board for heavy metal testing and chelation the way Doc does it, either - I've read too much that says chelating agents don't have a strong enough bond to the metals to hold onto them all the way out of the system. The metals get pulled out of tissue, but when the bond breaks, a lot of metal ends up getting redistributed throughout the body, often in places it wasn't in before. Dentist says it's counterproductive to do chelation before all the mercury is out of my mouth, and since I don't feel good about doing chelation at this point anyway, I believe it's actually been a blessing that I haven't been able to chew without pain on the teeth that have had amalgams removed and/or crowns placed. Dentist says it can take up to a year for those teeth to calm down, which buys me some time before Doc begins pushing the chelation. I'm hoping that Tai Chi, diet and supplements together will improve my immune system enough that after the amalgams are completely gone it can handle any remaining metals without chelation therapy.

Doc began the appointment by asking me to tell him what's going on; he had a list of questions but wanted to hear from me first. I told him about starting Tai Chi in August and that it's been amazing; at the same time I began writing this gratitude journal, and hand-in-hand they have given me a new outlook. I told him why I started writing this - because of the epiphany that Freddie doesn't define me along with a personal need to write again - and related to him the positive effect: looking for blessings every day makes me aware that there really is much more to my life than Fibromyalgia, and that overall my life is very good. Not surprisingly, but still miraculous, I have felt better. He nodded knowingly. He told me at my last appointment, when I felt defeated and showed it, of a patient who just didn't respond to any treatments (one of those 10 percent, of which club I appeared to be a sad new member) and how she reported to him some time after he released her that she turned her life over to God. She accepted her condition and His will, and once she did that, she began to feel better. He urged me to do that, which I had tried many times to do. The gratitude journal - along with the meditative essence of Tai Chi - seemed to be the key to peace for me.

How grateful I am to have been led to a physician who recognizes that any medical intervention is only a complement to spirituality in promoting physical health. At every appointment, he has asked me, "Are you good with God?" or "How are you with God?" I am a spiritual person; my religion is my life. Yet somehow I could never find healing through prayer and faith alone; for whatever reason, I needed a physician to combine medical knowledge with spirituality, and perhaps now just happened to be the time for the two to come together. He told me today that he's not one to tell a patient he can fix this or that or to give false hope (yes, I saw that in my last two appointments!), but that he could tell me today he really believes I will get well. It won't be a revelation, "Hey! I'm healed!" but will be a gradual process. 

So, the technicalities of today's appointment: Doc says for me, the diagnosis "Fibromyalgia" really means mitochondrial dysfunction, as fatigue remains the primary, persistent issue. 

1. First, we need to address sleep, which was pretty good until our vacation approached and my mind raced with preparations. Then on vacation, sleeping in different beds with uncomfortable pillows, coupled with my propensity to overthink details of each day's adventures kept me half-awake every night. If I don't get back into better sleep in the next few weeks, he wants to consider a low-dose pharmacological combination to promote restorative sleep. A body cannot heal without restorative sleep!
2. He has learned even more about glutathione and methylation cycle since our last appointment, and he feels that I can triple my ALA dose to 600 mg twice a day. 
3. He ordered bloodwork to look at DHEA-S, Ferritin, and comprehensive metabolic panel to evaluate how the liver and kidney are functioning. He also wanted a specialized test for glutathione that had to be done in his office, so I did it while there today (three attempts by two nurses to find a vein ... aargh, the reason IV therapies are not a good option for me!) If glutathione is low, he will supplement, hopefully with liposomal cream, nasal spray or other non-intravenous carrier. 
4. Cortisol levels are OK - not great, but no longer at crashing level. I stopped taking cortisol about two months ago and went back on AdrenoChelate; I haven't noticed crashes, but Doc says the formula is weak and recommended Adrenal Stress-End by Integrative Therapeutics instead. 
5. No more Candida therapy! Even though Doc says this, I know too well how sugar and processed foods make me feel, so I will continue with a clean diet.
6. He gave me deep breathing exercises to do, which I did in the past, probably with Fibro Doc #1. Deep, abdominal breathing is inherent in Tai Chi, which I do at least once a day, but Doc's exercises are a good reminder. They're great because they can be done while driving (when I most need relaxation) or standing in line (the second-most common source of nervous stress) or at any time/place. I've actually had people in public places ask me if I'm OK when I start breathing deeply at the onset of stress. I'm sure I look like a head case about to pass out when I do that, but if people only knew how effective a few deep breaths is for centering and calming oneself!

And now it's time for bed, so I'll apply some progesterone cream and lavender oil, do my mind-calming Tai Chi memory exercises, and hope for pleasant dreams. I go to the retina specialist in the morning, though, so my mind will likely be anticipating that all night. For heaven's sake!

Starry, Starry Night

Oct. 15, 2014

Today I'm grateful for childhood memories of Yellowstone, homemade chili and stars. 

I remember my family's camping trips, many of them to Yellowstone, and some of my memories bubbled to the surface as we drove those roads again with Daughter, Son-In-Law and Grandson. Grandson is 5, and as five-year-olds do, he talks incessantly, usually nonsense. He pokes, squirms, laughs, then instantly turns to sulking when he doesn't get his way. That reminded me of three little girls squirming on the back seat of my dad's Oldsmobile as the miles stretched endlessly on, with my dad crossly threatening that he would pull off the road and spank me if I didn't stop giggling. He kept his word on more than one occasion, and I would cry, my bottom stinging, only to start giggling again as soon as the car was back in motion. My sisters have both independently recorded the same memory, so I'm pretty sure it really happened as I remember it. On this trip, the realization came to me that I must have been about 5 when my own annoying behavior caused some aggravation on family vacations. I never thought spankings would be a memory for which I'm grateful, but somehow, I am.

Daughter wanted a family portrait from this trip, so today, even though it was cloudy, we set up a portrait on the cabin deck and down on the river bank. Yesterday was sunny and would have been a perfect portrait day, but we had so much we wanted to see in the park that we got home too late to do a portrait.

Despite the clouds, the air was still today - until the moment we wrapped up, then the wind came up and blustered the rest of the day. I'm grateful that we got to take a family picture for Daughter. After my parents died, one of my sisters went through all of my dad's slides and made a digital selection of representative photos. I treasure more than words can express the ones of our trips to Yellowstone, many of them probably taken in the exact spots we have taken pictures the last few days. I know what this family photo will someday mean to Daughter and Grandson, and perhaps to others in the family tree who haven't yet been born. 

I also felt a sense of personal history when we drove the road around Quake Lake, as my family was in the great Yellowstone earthquake of Aug. 17, 1959. I was not quite 3 years old, and my family was in a camper when the quake hit at about 11:30 p.m.; the 7.5-magnitude quake triggered a landslide that sent 80 million tons of rock crashing down on sleeping campers at a Forest Service campsite just west of Yellowstone. About 28 people were killed, either crushed under the rock or drowned in the Madison River. I never realized until this trip how grateful I am that we were protected. The 50-year-old dead trees rising out of the depths of the six-mile-long lake are an eerie reminder of how blessed we were.

We put chili ingredients in the crock pot this morning before leaving on our day's adventure and came home to the most wonderful aroma. Even the next-door neighbor's dogs apparently knew something was cooking and were on the doorstep the minute our truck pulled up. I'm grateful for the blessing of food and for how delicious it tastes after a long day of exploring nature. After dinner we played games, and I'm grateful for the bonds that are formed when families play together.

The day ended with a gathering on the porch to look at the stars. This is the only night of our stay that the skies have been completely clear. It's been so long since I’ve seen stars like that, I was awe-struck. We saw the Milky Way stretch across the entire sky. Grandson saw for the first time the Big and Little Dipper, but the stars were so dense that Husby and S-I-L couldn’t find Orion. There we were with the expanse of endless stars like tiny holes punched in a perfectly clear blue-black sky letting heaven shine through; silhouettes of pines against that sky; the river shushing by, and night-birds calling … heaven on earth. I'm filled with gratitude for that breathtaking experience.

Get Hip

Oct. 4, 2014

Just when I was feeling quite good, and right in the throes of getting ready to go on an extended vacation, I felt a giant twinge in my hip a couple of days ago when I stretched to one side. My hip went into spasms and gave out on me when I tried to walk or otherwise move my hips. I found out quickly that we use our hips for almost everything - getting up from a seated position, turning over in bed, bending over, walking, balancing, and I found out the hips and back are very much involved in coughing and sneezing!  Every muscle movement made my hip scream, and the more I tried to hold myself up – or move without making it flare – the more all my muscles tensed until my neck and shoulders were stiff and aching, too. It got worse each day, probably because more parts of my body were cramped up in reaction to the hip pain. It was a bit better first thing in the morning, but the longer I was up, especially standing, the tighter and more painful it got. The only thing I can think of that I did differently was adding short jogging intervals to my morning walks this week. Guess this body isn’t putting up with any kind of pounding!

I have so many errands to run, so many things to take care of before we leave, and food to prepare because there’s no telling where or if we’ll be able to find things I can eat on the road – no sugar, no processed food, no dairy, no grains, no almonds, only organic meat, and on and on.  So all this considered, it’s no surprise that the gifts from Heaven I especially appreciated the last few days are these:

• Parking spaces close to the door at every store I went to on my errand-running the first day this happened (when I could still walk and drive, albeit with difficulty). Seriously, when do you find the spot nearest the door at each and every stop??? I always do a victory punch when I find a prime parking space (and am equally put out when I don’t!), but these last few days it was quite literally a Godsend.
• The hip miraculously loosened up this afternoon! The temperature was so cool this morning (delightful cool front last night!) I decided an easy walk around the block might stretch and loosen my hips. As I walked, I breathed in the cool air, a la Tai Chi practice. I imagined breathing energy in and focused the energy in the tight hip. As I breathed out, I imagined pain, tightness, stress and anxiety leaving. This afternoon I was able to do some cleaning-out in the pantry (Lighten Up!), and I was surprised to find myself bending over, lifting and moving cans and boxes with almost no pain. I couldn’t pick up or move anything yesterday or even this morning. I’ve been a believer in Tai Chi since day 1, but just this week Sifu introduced us to doing the moves with a focus on energy. I’ll write a post soon about the new layers of Tai Chi we’re learning about, but today’s experience was a definite Smile – and I’m grateful again to have found Tai Chi, the instructor we have, and a class that is so close by so we actually go regularly. Don't get me wrong - Tai Chi is not my new religion. I do believe in actual healings, but I believe it can be more instructional for us when, after searching and pleading for help and relief, God leads us to a practitioner or therapy or treatment that allows us to participate in our healing. Namaste!

Warm Memories

Sept. 27, 2014

circa 1947 Salad Master Machine

Last week, while making Danielle Walker’s Spanish Frittata with Chorizo (Against All Grain), I hauled out my mom’s Salad Master to grate the sweet potatoes. I gave away my food processor years ago and was kicking myself (now that I’m making meals from whole foods and spending an inordinate amount of time peeling, chopping, slicing and grating) until I remembered that I had the Salad Master. Here I digress, because it’s my smile for the day: setting up that rather elegantly simple device - no electricity necessary - on my own countertop brought a tidal wave of memories from my mom’s kitchen, complete with 1950s pink appliances and now-Retro pink & gray patterned Formica countertops, yes, from those wonderfully simple days before electrical appliances took over the kitchen. I remember helping Mom grate and slice, watching the colorful veggies turn from whole to shreds or slices as they tumbled into a bowl in a smooth, almost mesmerizing motion with the turning of the cylinder. And then they became zucchini bread or potato chips, or some 40 years later, the vibrant orange basis of my frittata. 

And is this serendipitous, or what? Of the three Nielsen sisters, the one who lives in Texas took the Salad Master after Mom passed away, only to learn while writing this post that Salad Master was established in 1946 by Harry Lemmons, who set up operations in his home in Dallas, Texas! The company was so successful that within a year he moved into a new building in Dallas, where the company operated for the next 43 years. Today, the company is located in Arlington, Texas, halfway between Dallas and Fort Worth, and alongside a line of stainless steel cookware, the Salad Master Machine is still the flagship product of the company's business, sporting a sleek new design, but performing exactly the same uncomplicated function. Would I trade Mom's for a new one? Not a chance, but check out the new beauty here.

I am grateful for happy memories, and for my mom, who I see and feel beside me again when I use her tools or read her handwritten recipes, who made our house a home and who gave me lovely memories that make me smile today. 

Here are images of the Frittata-making process, a la recipe book. The final two images are Reality, because I have no kitchen assistants measuring out the ingredients in nice, neat little bowls, nor cleaning up behind me so the counters and sinks are pristine despite all the prep work. This is why the current love affair with open-concept home design is quite 
beyond me ... 

First time used in at least 15 years

Deja Vu!

Add chorizo to grated sweet potato/onion ...

... sauté together ...

8 organic eggs ...

... beaten (yes, I succumbed to the stick blender rather than my mom's egg beater, which I also have!)

Top with sliced tomatoes and pop into the oven for 12 minutes ...

All set and ready to serve with avocado slices and chopped cilantro. Nmmmm!

What you don't see ...

... on camera or in cookbooks!

M' Love

Sept. 14, 2014

Thirty-eight years ago today was a glorious autumn day in Salt Lake City. Couldn’t have been a more perfect day for a wedding. September in Texas is still summer, and our first year here we celebrated our 10^th anniversary. And Husby was out of town on business. He got home the evening of our anniversary, so I got my neighbor to keep the kids, and I set a candlelit table and had a beautiful dinner ready when he arrived. Not what I had in mind for the decade marker, but it was quite lovely after all.

This year’s celebration was low-key; experiences are the best gifts these days, and we are due a getaway, but when it comes right down to it, overnighters aren’t really a treat due to Husby’s loud snoring, so we decided to do some daytime activities together. A couple of movies are playing that are actually worth seeing, so we thought we’d do that Friday, but the day got consumed with things that had to be done that day. I wanted to take the watch he got for his 25^th work anniversary for a battery replacement that morning. Here’s why that could be considered a gift fit for an anniversary: the jewelry place is in the mall. I loathe malls. Husby hates them even more than I do. But I did it, and the watch now has a lifetime warranty on its battery. 

That done, I needed to do some cleaning-out in my sewing room (Lighten Up!!!) and box it up to take to the church for a swap-and-shop event the next day. The swap-and-shop is a brilliant idea conceived and executed by my Lighten Up friend who inspired me to start writing this gratitude journal. She oversees the women’s organization of several wards (congregations) for our church in a certain geographical area. The event is on Saturday, so  people bring stuff for which they no longer have a use on Friday, then my friend and her helpers sort it and set it out to display. The next morning, anyone can come and take whatever they like. Anything that's left at the end goes to Union Gospel Mission. I didn’t go to the actual event because Heaven knows I don’t need to bring home any more treasures – the idea is to lighten up, not replace stuff with more stuff! I gave away the items that represent the hobbies in which I invested so much time and which provided therapy for so many years. Letting go of things like that is hard. Letting go of anything is hard for me, let’s face it. So this was a good step.

From the church drop-off, Husby and I went to get shelving to organize and make functional my sewing room. So that’s what we did instead of going to a movie, but at this point in my cluttered life, Husby and I agree that celebration of life together sometimes means doing things that are just plain good for us. That might be a trip, a movie, a nice dinner, or getting rid of clutter that bogs us down (well, my clutter does invade his space, too, I’m sorry to say). We did eat dinner out, though – and we had a very nice dinner the next night to properly celebrate. Husby gave me flowers and a mandoline, which I’ve been wanting now that I’m preparing all our food from scratch. Not romantic, you say? Anything that makes my life easier in my quest to be well is a gift of love! The best thing he gave me, though, was a love letter that no material gift can touch. And here’s how great he is: he reads my blog and saw that I didn’t find English Toffee on my mom’s Heaven Day, so he went and got a Heath bar. Just so I could have one little bite for Mom. 

I wrapped up his watch, gave him an e-book that surprised him and made him laugh, and made Danielle Walker's blueberry waffles for breakfast. (From her cookbook, Against All Grain.) Husby had church meetings all over the Metroplex beginning at 8:30 this morning, but when he got home I made Danielle’s burrito bowls – yummm.

We went back to yet another church meeting later in the day, where I saw a friend of many years who I don’t see often any more because they moved further away. We hugged and I asked her how she was doing, and she told me she and her husband are divorcing. It didn’t register for a moment, and I had absolutely no words. They seemed to be such a solid family, and you wonder, if it can fall apart for them, who is immune? For this devastating news to come on my own anniversary makes me just that much more grateful for Husby and what we’ve had for 38 years, and what we have today. 

What is normal?

Aug. 23, 2014

Three days on food combining, and I’m not sold. I’ve been doing fruit for breakfast, carbs and non-starchy veggies for lunch, and protein and veggies for dinner. The first day, I was amazed – no bloating or discomfort at all, and the next day I was down 1.2 pounds. Yesterday I was back up 1.2 pounds, and today I was the same. Yesterday I had some bloating and gas, and today I had a lot of bloating, quite a bit more gas. During dinner tonight (Mi Cocina – tilapia tacos without tortillas, shredded lettuce & avocado, and sautéed spinach) my stomach started to churn, and I needed to use the bathroom desperately by the time we got home. And the last two days my ribs have been hurting bad again.

The problem is, every “food combining” source has different recommendations, and even the guidelines that match don’t make sense. They say to eat fruit alone, don’t eat protein and starches at the same meal, and no dairy. Most say to avoid onions and garlic, and many say to eliminate nightshades – tomatoes, onions, potatoes, all kinds of peppers. Um, what does that leave for flavor? I can’t gag down kale, chickory and many of the allowed non-starchy-veggies, especially if they aren’t seasoned with onions or garlic. They allow no legumes because they are starch and protein combined, and prohibit more than one protein at a meal. They like grain-like seeds such as quinoa, millet and buckwheat, but those are starch-protein, so how do you eat those?

They say it’s good to combine good fats with all foods, but not very much fat. Yogurt is OK (all cultured foods are good) and many say that yogurt is good paired with acid fruit. What? I thought fruit was to be eaten alone? They say avocados are great, but they categorize avocados as protein, which you can only eat with a vegetable, so that’s your protein meal. Not very satisfying! Same things with nuts. You could eat some of these things by themselves between meals, except that you’re supposed to wait two hours after a fruit, three hours after a starchy meal, and four hours after a protein meal before eating anything else. That pretty much means three meals a day with no snacks in between. This seems too complicated and impractical unless it really does aid digestion and gut health; but I’m more bloated and uncomfortable today than before I tried combining foods!

Now, maybe I just need to experiment with what works for me. Maybe adding natural sauerkraut was too much too soon, considering I recently added another probiotic and a soil-based probiotic/prebiotic, and I started taking plaintain starch. I’ve added all the new things in small doses (for at least two weeks before starting food combing), as they can be a lot for an unhealthy gut, but perhaps I need to back off of some of them and add one thing at a time. I was handling all of them just fine until I started combining foods. Aaaargh!

Energy and calm

Aug. 2, 2014

Before pain and fatigue sidelined me, I was a writer and photographer. The brain fog took away words and my ability to organize and stay on task. The fatigue and pain stole the ability to accomplish physical and mental tasks, and feelings of self worth vanished. Consequently, I alternated between feeling hopeful and defeated.

I went back to college in my late 30s, before the onset of my health problems, although I believe it all really started there with the stress of my own unrealistic expectation to be the best at everything I did. A dear professor and mentor literally wouldn’t let me quit my journalism degree when the going got tough. Several years after graduation, when my health declined until I had to quit writing altogether, she reminded me that nothing is lost on a writer: “Why don’t you write about your experience?”

I tried once. Or twice. It was just too hard, trying to sort through why and how I got to be this way, and trying to chronicle all the doctors I’ve seen and treatments I’ve tried. Worst of all, trying to find words was an exercise in frustration that reminded me all too painfully of what I had lost.

I’m on my third fibro doctor, I’ve completed six months of an impossibly restrictive diet, I take handfuls of supplements three to five times a day, and I avoid toxins and chemicals, including fluoride and artificial sweeteners. I’ve explored Candidiasis, heavy metal toxicity, Lyme Disease, CNS malfunction and psychological factors. Today I am back to the first thing I read as I began trying to learn about fibromyalgia: that almost all of us sufferers are perfectionists who push ourselves to the limit and who stress or worry about nearly everything. To remedy that, I’ve tried Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping the body’s meridian points), acupressure, acupuncture, yoga, and meditation, although I’ve never mastered meditation on my own. In my gut I’ve always known that to get better, I would have to figure out how to calm my mind, relax my body and get over having to be perfect, but I’ve not realized success with any of these.

Monday I found Tai Chi. I’ve heard repeatedly that Tai Chi is one of the best things for Fibro. During the first class, it was perfectly clear why. It is meditation. You can’t think about anything else but doing the movements, which are fluid, graceful and ultimately relaxing. They are so slow they deceivingly require muscle control and strength, and when done with correct form, provide gentle but powerful stretching.

This week I’ve had energy that I haven’t felt in years. It could be attributed to a number of new things I started since we got home from vacation two weeks ago:

·      I began taking DHEA 10 mg (lab tests done before vacation showed I was low)

·      I began drinking 10-20 oz. of alkalized water a day (via Juuva’s Energy Cup)

·      To reduce electromagnetic field exposure, I stopped talking with my cell or cordless phone to my head; unplugged all electrical gadgets in my bedroom while I sleep and when not in use; and don’t use my laptop on my lap.

·      A "cold" front dropped temps all week to the 70s and 80s (heat wilts me!)

·      I spent time with a friend who inspired me to be constantly aware of negative thoughts and replace them with happy, lighter ones. This goes hand-in-hand with a book I started reading before vacation, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D., Burns, M.D. in which the author cites studies showing that positive thoughts literally change brain chemistry.

Today’s smile(s) came first thing in the morning as husby and I were walking in the neighborhood. Coming toward us was a woman totally unaware that anyone else was out and about, humming out loud – no earphones, just her own song. A few moments later, someone behind us called out a greeting. Most times when we walk, it’s hard to get anyone we encounter to even nod hello, even when we’re close enough to brush their arm. As he passed us, we saw that he was riding a bike and pulling a baby in a bike trailer, and he called, “Rides just $5!” I’m thankful for God’s little smile early this morning in not one, but two manifestations!

And this week, I’m thankful for energy and a mind clear enough to write. It feels good, and it seems right to start a gratitude diary. If next week turns bad again, I’ll have this week to remember until another good day comes!